The Crisis In The Mind

I have always been fascinated with the complexity of the mind. I have had to deal with many things in my life that the memories have left vestiges embedded in the crevices of my mind. The appealing thing about the mind is that is often houses things that it should forget and lets go of things that it should keep. The mind had me so fascinated that I set out to embark on majoring in psychology and even took a class on Cognition. I did not end up majoring in psychology, but I still have a love for the science. There are so many thoughts that run through the mind on a daily basis. Some of them are good, others are bad. If I told you some of the thoughts that have flowed through my head, your mouth would drop – but when the book is released you’ll get the opportunity to read all about my cluttered and jumbled thoughts. The purpose of this post is primarily to give me an opportunity to let some things go. I consider myself a good person, nice and laid back. Very reasonable even, so then why do I continue to hang around folk who are users, manipulators and want to control your every move? What is in me that is causing such rage to boil inside? There have been times where I’ve wanted to deliberately hurt someone for hurting me. But the thoughts have somehow receded like a wave in the ocean. They lie dormant. You could say all this stems from pain – the pain of putting trust and faith in people who are only out for themselves. I now have to deal with wasted “friendships” and experiences that could have been avoided had the garbage not crossed my path in the first place. I think of what my life would have been like had I made certain choices way back then. But reflection is just that – reflection. No need at dwelling in the past – one thing I can say for sure – I will be keeping people at a distance for a little while. A modest amount of discernment of people is something that I need to work on. You could say that we each have two sides to us: a good side and an evil side. I have had to suppress the evil side of myself for a long time and a few days ago I thought about letting the evil side out. The side that no one has seen since I’ve been in Washington, DC. I am a cool, calm and collected individual who takes and accepts most things, but I can be a downright devious and under minded human being who will find a way to repay those who’ve done me wrong. But there is no sense at me calculating revenge on someone – it is better for me to let it go and learn from it. But my mind won’t seem to let go of it. How do you simply put painful and shocking experiences to rest? It’s easier said than done, I guess most things are. How do you kill and forget the malicious thoughts that seem to overtake the benevolent thoughts? Especially me who is trying to redefine my life and become a better person in general. I feel as though I’ve been living my life beneath what I am capable of doing and that is partly me lessening myself and putting myself on a lower level to blend in the crowd – to sort of acquiesce in order to have people to hang out with and do things with because people do not always accept you for who you are. I have been called talked about for voicing my opinion or challenging people's attitudes and opinions. My mind has been playing tricks on me for the last three years – because there are times when I’ve felt alone and that I cannot rely on anyone here – then other times I’ve felt like I've had close people to talk to. Choosing associates who could be potential friends is like playing Russian Roulette. One bad move and you're dead. My mind is telling me that I am too trusting. I have been sheltered and nurtured in a suburban environment and hadn’t had to deal with much heartache so that makes me trusting towards underhandedness, ruthlessness and cutting edge impostors. Occasionally, I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me – perhaps I am perceiving things as though they are not. I see why people turn to the bottle or smoking or some other sort of bondage to drown their sorrows and grief in. It is to mask the crisis in the mind. The despotism of being a slave to your own thoughts and having to present a pristine image to keep from breaking down. I think that I would have done something foolish by now if it wasn’t for the mind regulator of all regulators – God, who keeps me at perfect peace through the crisis in my mind. The crisis is not yet over because the evil thoughts are still there but I sense the rage cooling off and me letting go of the shock, pain and rage that I feel about some of the choices I’ve made regarding the company I keep.

Life has many parts, sometimes I wish I could take some Cayenne Pepper and run some out of me.

Last songs to play on the iPod….
Live – Lakini’s Juice
Fall Out Boy – Sugar, We’re Goin Down
Sublime – What I Got
Nickelback – Photograph
White Stripes - My Doorbell
Pearl Jam – Animal
U2 – Vertigo
Hot Hot Heat – Middle of Nowhere
System of A Down – Chop Suey
Goo Goo Dolls - Name